When the anchor that held my position in the world fast and sure for so many years cuts loose ….it leaves me adrift and without purpose or a place to return to.
When my dad breathed his last breath and drifted off to the next dimension….I could feel the energy leave the room. Holding on tight and tears coursing down my cheeks in relief for his new freedom and despair for the change in course for those of us left behind.
Weeks later I still feel like a small boat lost at sea. Bouncing aimlessly. The anchor that was always the way to solid ground is gone. I am left now to find my own way and become my own anchor for myself and those I love.
Trying to find that place in the world where it is solid and safe and always there. As hard as I paddled away from him at times I always knew that he was there in the same place waiting for me to return to the familiarity of that anchor.
I envision myself paddling ferociously against the current in search of my own life, my own identity, freedom. But whenever I grew weary of the struggle against the currents that are life….I always drifted back to the anchor to recharge before charging off against the current again.
Now the anchor has gone and left me in this world to create my own safe harbor. Cast off into the sea adrift and afraid ….crying tears of sorrow and anger ….. hanging my head in despair and fatigue. At times I look up and see the light that is his love guiding me still forward. A glimpse, a beckoning to stay strong and move forward. I am trying….it is time to pick up the oars and choose a course.
No longer can I go back to the anchor….for the anchor has moved and is guiding me forward….propelling me on a new journey of growth and learning. The anchor has become the guiding light. I hear its voice in the soft whispers of the wind and feel its gentle push each time I look up and see light instead of shadows.