She hugged me close. Her fatigue and anxiety palpable as she leaned into me. So fragile, yet so strong. She was tired. She whispered in my ear.’It’s not good’ she said. My heart began to pound and I hugged her tighter. I waited as my dad watched our embrace.

We are surrounded by people and we can not speak openly. I tell her I will be out to visit tomorrow or the next day. She gives me one last squeeze and releases me. We look deep into each others eyes and a thousand unsaid words are shared.

She fingers the pendant I had given her earlier….my own creation. A wire wrapped agate that had been one my Grandfather picked, polished and shaped. She had known my Grandfather well and she was fighting off tears as she thanked me again for the gift from my heart. She passed the note that I had given her with it to my dad…. a photo of the sunset over his corrals with a heartfelt message inside.

He took it and tears welled up in his eyes as well as h read it. My girls are so good with words he said as he hugged me close. We said our goodbyes and hugs and handshakes went around the room.

As I watched them leave…my emotions threatened to burst out. I went for a short walk around the corner of the garage…bare feet absorbing the energy of the earth. The teas ran silently down my cheeks. The sob burst from me as I let the words….’It’s not good…..it’s spread’ wash over me.

I had convinced myself that it wasn’t cancer….He still looked so strong. Weren’t people diagnosed with cancer supposed to lose weight rapidly…look different…some sign I could see?

I want to pray to God to save him. But I can’t. He has to. God will do what is in his highest good. Perhaps cancer is that? It will be a faster and less painful way to pass than struggling to breath as the Pulmonary Fibrosis and COPD take stronger hold.

Louise Hay says that cancer is

Cancer: Deep hurt. Longstanding resentment. Deep secret or grief eating away at the self. Carrying hatreds.

I know these things are true…..we have touched on this before…I really want to help him with releasing that….but he has to want to.

I heard the voices of the rest of the guests readying to leave. I dried my tears the best I could. Choked back the emotion that was bubbling at the surface and put on my game face for the rest of the goodbyes. My boyfriends parents hugged me tighter than usual I thought. Thanking me for the gift I had given them in receipt for the van they gifted me.

I was blessed I thought. Just as my own family was fracturing a new family was embracing me. The safe place to lean that I had always wanted had been provided just when I needed it most. My grandfather is one of my angels that hangs out with me and he always says don’t be afraid to lean…I will catch you. Last summer he  kept me company when I was baling in the fields he had homesteaded when he first came to Canada in the form of a hawk. That hawk was everywhere I went for days. I guess he was bringing me the message that I would need later….

Hawk Totem Meaning

The hawk spirit animal or totem has several attributes and meanings:

  • Hawk is the messenger of the spirit world
  • Use the power of focus
  • Take the lead when the time is right
  • Power to see, clear vision
  • Strong connection with spirit, increased spiritual awareness

Hawk spirit animals belong to the realm of bird medicine. It carries the symbolism that comes with the ability to fly and reach the skies.

As I settle into my awareness I feel calmer about the situation. I know that I can not use my will to accomplish anything and whatever I am meant to do now….the answers will come when the time is right.

I will release this to the Universe to guide me through.